I'm sorry

I woke up really grouchy this morning, thinking of the amount of work I put off yesterday and how I'm going to pay for my procrastination.

So during the webcam session with the family back in Singapore, I was really sullen, only answering when questioned, and even then most of it were one-word answers. The bulk of the session took place in silence, with me having nothing to say and not bothering to rack my brains, the family wondering what to say at my sudden sulky attitude this morning. In fact, most webcam sessions with the family are generally a re-asking and re-answering of the same few questions, the family updating me on any note-worthy event that happened back home (among relatives, I mean, not news and stuff which I can read on the internet). However, the moody me made no effort whatsoever to participate in the conversation (or non-conversation) this morning.

Towards the end of the session, when the family realised they weren't going to get much out of me, it struck me. Guilt at having treated them to this torture. It wasn't their fault that I woke up grumpy this morning, and they only get to talk to me once a week. The least I could do was to make an effort to be nice. I'm not even talking about acting cheerful, happy, or whatever, no, that would come out absolutely fake. In any case, I've never really been cheerful during any session, with the exception of smiling occasionally. But just to be pleasant. I don't think it's too much to ask for.

I was feeling so disappointed with myself and tears were starting to well up in my eyes, but there was no way I was going to let them see me cry. They've probably only seen me cry less than five times (with the exclusion of baby and little-kid times) in the whole of my twenty years, and if they saw me cry this morning I think they'd have cause to be extremely alarmed. Fortunately they were about to end the session and I managed to smile and wave into the webcam before the tears started rolling down my cheeks once they had ended the video conversation.

I've always disliked the idea of having to webcam once a week because it's really just repetitive ritual of talking about the same things over and over again. I've always found it a waste of time. But at the same time I understand that all my parents want is to assure themselves I'm fine, I'm coping well by myself, to show their concern for me and this is one way they can do it. By talking to me every week, even if it's just the same few questions every time.

Now I'm regretting it and feeling so sorry for my attitude this morning...